This is a big one for us all. No one goes through life without feeling this at times…
It is in our dna: our ancestors experienced being outcast from the tribe which in those days equalled death. The very word literally sets our nervous system into fight/flight/freeze mode. Fact!
And for me personally it has always been my greatest fear: Being left. Rejected. Feeling Not worthy. Not good enough. Not beautiful enough. Not loveable enough. Not talented enough.Not special enough. Not interesting enough. Not anything enough.
To make sure I didnt feel any of the above I decided in my early years that the “best” coping mechanism was to fill every single second of my life with work and people so that I would never have any dangerous free time to FEEL those unwanted feelings. It wasnt until my late twenties that I DECIDED enough was enough. That I would do whatever the f* I had to do to recognise my enoughness and find NEW ways and tools to live and embody my enoughness. My ALL ONENESS (alone comes from old english meaning All One). Finding the courage to do the work of sitting with myself and my own vulnerability, feeling all the feelings, crying by myself, opening up and sharing my greatest fears and worries with loved ones came not from a moment of clarity and courage but from a space that I had exhausted all other options to not FEEL and that trying to keep this going weakened my immune system and left me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. But above all: I reached burn out spiritually before it hit physically. The greatest part of me that felt alone was my heart.
And so when the desire to change finally came …it came from a place of desperation. From deep grieve. My soul was crying out for love. For recognition that I existed and that I, by birth, had a right to not only go through life but actually enjoy living my life. Expressing my souls purpose and dreams.
Thankfully what came through and from that was a blessing: My whole life changed 360 the moment I broke down. The moment I showed I did not have everything worked out. The moment I “turned” human. With everything that comes with that.
I “dared” to share my biggest fears with my now partner and he did not reject me (!!), instead he opened his arms and only hold me tighter the more I cried and collapsed in his embrace. I started attracting more and more fulfilling connections that truly understood whats within my heart and celebrates what drives me. But most importantly I Came Home To Myself and In Myself.
This is still a ongoing journey: to heal and reconnect to my self as a whole (the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual part that makes me up).
To embrace and accept ALL of myself including the parts of my psyche which feels scared, overwhelmed, unloved, angry etc. The parts that we are told to HIDE away and suppress. It is also still a journey to remember that living and nourishing our deepest dreams and desires is what makes us feel alive and vibrant. It is literally what feeds our soul.
So often we become so fragmented… lost in the business and struggle of the ego to “keep up” and “keep going”.
I deeply believe that changing and healing loneliness on the deepest level is about coming home to your own authentic truth: to be courageous enough (or in my case desperate enough) to walk the walk THROUGH the abundant valley of who you are. Get to know yourself. And through the vessel of your heart, mind and soul work towards LOVING, ACCEPTING and EMBRACING all of your colours.
We can not fully connect with others and thrive from those connections if we are not fully or even willing to connect with ourself on that deepest level of who we are.
Meet yourself with an open, curios mind and a loving, forgiving heart and the rest will follow.
I believe in you❤️